The Legend of Skip Danger

I have a dog named Jessie.
Obviously, I didn't name her. If I had she would be named something else. Maybe 'Winifred'.
Anyway, several years ago, when Jessie was a much younger dog, we lived in a house with a backyard surrounded by a six foot privacy fence.
Every day in the afternoon, we'd hear Jessie barking, and look out through the glass door to see her bouncing up and down --fully clearing the fence-- furiously scolding the squirrels that would run along its length.
This happened for months, but then one day, we found a dead squirrel in the yard.
And it stopped.
It's possible that the other squirrels learned their lesson, and decided to steer clear of the dog, but I like to think that there was only one.
One dashing, fearless, squirrel that laughed when his family and friends warned him of the danger, and deliberately antagonized what he could only see as a monster just for fun.
This picture (the Errol Flynn of squirrels) was the inspiration for this poem.

Unfortunately, Blogger will not allow me to put the poem in a fancy font. Fiddlesticks.

Skip Danger

Of all the squirrels in Sturdy-Oak, across from Cedar-Tall,
There’s only one who bears the title “Bravest of Them All”.
Skip Danger’s what they call him, though it’s really not his name,
(Some say he’s really Mortimer, but that’s a wild claim.)

It is doubtful there was ever a more handsome squirrel than he;
His bushy tail is the bushiest you’ll likely ever see,
When he smiles, his incisor teeth make all the ladies swoon,
He receives a marriage offer every second afternoon.

If you ask him, he might tell you how he scared the cat away,
Or how he he took the birdseed from the “squirrel-proof” bird buffet,
But if you ask him nicely, six or seven times at least,
He may tell about the time he fought the Demon-Monster-Beast.

The D.M.B is feared for its huge teeth and barking sound;
It’s no wonder that they chained it to a stake stuck in the ground.
Cowardly squirrels stay far away; they call it common sense,
But the brave ones like to tease it from atop the neighbor’s fence.

From the Valiant Skip Danger, no one’s expecting any less,
Especially when there’s a lady squirrel he’s meaning to impress,
And so it happens, when he’d called the beast a very nasty name,
The animal grew weary of the daring rodent’s game.

The Beast, infuriated by Skip’s sharp-tongued abuse,
Came flying at our hero like a supersonic goose.
With a leap, he left the ground, and bounded off the doghouse roof,
He had Danger in his jaws before the squirrel could even move.

It seemed that this would be the end; a very tragic day,
From the monster’s slimy chops, surely no squirrel could get away,
But for all his strength, the creature couldn’t hold his iron grip,
With a jerk of its great head, the beast released a soggy Skip.

Skip gave a battle cry as he was flying through the air,
He landed, tumbling through the flowers like he didn’t have a care,
Then, grinning as he dashed around the corner to the right,
He dared the beast to follow, and they disappeared from sight.

Now, some accounts from witnesses portray a different theme,
They say Danger’s hearty cry was something closer to a scream,
Some even gave remarks about that mocking face he made;
It must have been the light that made them think he looked afraid.

It’s a shame those who were watching couldn’t see where they had gone,
(Though they surely saw the jerking on the stake the chain was on),
For it is there, Skip says, he dealt the beast blow after blow,
And thereby saved the ladies from a very violent show.

But at last the hero knew the time had come for a retreat;
It was clear the Demon-Monster-Beast would never know defeat,
So reluctantly, he disengaged from deadly combat lock,
And to let off extra steam, he ran completely round the block.

When at last they found brave Skip, relaxing underneath his bed,
Still shaking with excitement, (He’d come very close to dead),
It was said by a known skeptic, with unapologetic gall,
“Why, I doubt this little coward fought the Demon-Beast at all!”

At that, the stalwart marvel fumed! Though he was still quite sore,
If they would not believe him, he would fight the beast once more!
But as he drew nearer to his foe, he began to sneeze and sneeze,
How strange that he should then develop canine allergies!

Of all the squirrels in Sturdy-Oak, across from Cedar-Tall,
There’s one old squirrel who claims the title “Bravest of Them All”
If you ask him, he will tell you how he crossed the Highway-road,
Or how he saved a lovely maiden from a less-than-lovely toad.

He’ll maybe even tell you how he cheated certain doom,
When he escaped from Wrinkly-Woman with her Hit-squirrel-hurt-squirrel Broom,
But if you ask him nicely, six or seven times at least,
After sneezing, he will tell you of the Demon-Monster-Beast.

By Andrew Bagenstos. All rights reserved, yada yada. Don't steal my poem.